the week in which cectpa coulson realized how much of a sap i am

people i love,

first of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVIEKINS! you're twenty-four? say whaaa? i hope you have a lovely day in austin. :) kenzie, you get to spoil him. :)

okay. here's the thing. this week, more than ever before, i have a million and one things that could be said, and a million and one thoughts to share. pray that i can type fast!

at the end of last week, c.coulson and i were blessed to have some tender and special experiences with a couple of our elders who have been struggling. if nothing else, i have such a testimony of the lord's timing from being in the mtc. i got to see mikey at the last possible moment when i just needed to run into him before he left. the same thing happened with c.coulson and a friend of hers right before he flew out. and then when we turned around to wait for these elders and talk to them, it was in the VERY moment that we stood up to leave, thinking we had missed them, that they rounded the corner towards us. for privacy and tenderness reasons, i'm not going to share much about it. but just know, being a tool in the lord's hands to help people come unto him is the most special experience one could ever have. and, oh hi. i'm hopelessly in love with our district. (enter c.coulson telling me i'm such a sap. but they're just so precious!) those days in which the storm was darkest for them were some of the highlights for me. i felt like i did in romania again, completely lost in someone else's cause. life is better when lived that way. i promise.

(sidenote: c.coulson's subject line is a copy of mine. haaahahah. i'm so cool.)

yesterday, for the first time since actually being a missionary, i truly realized that i am happy. i am truly happy here. i feel satisfied and fulfilled. i think there was something in me that hadn't fully embraced the role of missionary yet or this lifestyle, but this past week as we've gotten so close to our district and these 2 elders, i realized i am truly satisfied and regardless of anyone i could or couldn't run into at the temple or temple walks or anywhere else, it couldn't distract me and wouldn't make me want to go home. (that may or may not have been questionable much of the time in the past three weeks.) i don't want to stop being a missionary. i don't ever want to let these people down. i don't ever want to leave this town unless it means i'm on a plane to ukraine. vive l'ukraine! three truly is the magic number. i think grandpa beckham said something along these lines once too, but from personal experience, it's always three. after three days here, things started looking up dramatically more than before. now that we have been here three weeks exactly, it was yesterday that i truly realized how satisfied i am. there's power in being where you know you ought to be. i know for a fact that much if not most of the reason for the timing of my mission is in part so that i would have c.coulson as my companion and would be in this district with these people that aren't even going to my mission. i know it. did i ever tell you that? the missions? ct.ostler and bingham are going to novosibirsk, russia. ct.harrison and gelwix and me are going to donetsk. and then ct. ogden and egbert and c. coulson, pace, and holmes are all going to rostov, russia. it's a beautiful life we live. this past week, the love i've felt for our elders, especially the two c.coulson and i had such lovely experiences with, has been explosive. explosive love, i tell you. i can't restrain it. you know in the best two years when it shows the guy in his bed at night, thinking back about something in the day and laughing to himself? that's me nearly every night. something c.coulson said or did, or something someone in my district said or did. lurve it.

in alma 29: 14-16 it talks about truly rejoicing for the success of your brethren. 'when i think of the success of these my brethren my soul is carried away, even to the seaparation of it from the body, as it were, so great is my joy.' this week as i've watched a completely 180 degree difference in our favorite elders, it's been magic to me, and my joy so great that i cannot contain it. they went from being discouraged and overwhelmed and a million other emotions to truly being happy, lighthearted, and themselves. i love them.

i realized in my journaling this week that i truly feel the growth of romania beginning again anew. the love and insights i gained there reached into the deepest corners of my heart and soul, and i think those parts of me, though still filled with love for all things romania, became somewhat stagnant in the past year. but now, those deep corners of me are growing again. where i feel i have no more space to hold love in my heart or no more space for further insights to go, then my capacity grows once more. it's a beautiful process.

its interesting to see within myself a collision between my past and my future to create the present i live in. i have such an enlarged perspective of how everything i was and the experiences i've had before now make up what i am now, just as much as the idea and thought of the future and dreams for the future. what if i had never come on a mission? what if i had never met these people? what if i had never had these profound spiritual experiences? i would never know, i suppose how much fulfillment and true JOY i was missing out on. but now that i know, the very thought of not being here is absurd. missions are miracles. and so packed with experiences that are indescribable and irreplaceable. i truly am happy.

a few shoutouts: kaitlin snow: i saw bpat adams! i've seen him a few times, actually. anyway. just know I LOVE YOU and i'm writing you a letter TODAY! oh, and goodnight, flush. :) // MELISSA WERTZ! YOU ARE ENGAGED!!!! i'm so so so happy for you! one of the wertzies needs to send me pictures in the mail asap! // naomi and i are going to be best buds. i already love her to pieces this little niece of mine. december couldn't come soon enough, i can't wait to see pictures of her! she'll love her auntie em. also, baby bump? how's it coming sherry baby? :) // AISLYNN BECKSTRAND. my screams and tears when i read your letter are indescribable. GHITA! i died as you told me about him. i could see ever moment you described in my mind's eye. i'll write you soon. i want updates on all my babes. also, DAVID IS STILL ALIVE?? my little wild sunshine boy is so tenacious. go him. // sara ence! i see ms. hermana jenie jones all the time! i adore her. and she told me she saw kendrick at the temple last week! small world. // becca gee leaves this coming week! crazy talk. we took a photo today. // andddd sorella paige wightman and rose preston are the best. love their smiling faces. so if any of you know them, they are alive and well. // laurs. i need to write you today. the things i will tell you will make you die. i've had so many thoughts and random sappy moments that are completely not tellable within the mission. so you're my secret receiver. don't judge too harshly. haahahaha. just you wait. :)

most of all, i hope no one in the world doubts how great the love of god is. we are SO blessed to be here sharing that. if the alphabet weren't different, i'd whip out my skills, but typing takes too long in pyccki. anyway. just know, this is a beautiful life. there are angels round about us. and there is power in such a gathering of missionaries. this is sacred ground we walk on. of that i've no doubt. who am i becoming. i kind of like it here. :)

if nothing else, i hope anyone reading this knows how truly happy i am. and realizes how truly happy love can make us. how truly happy this restored gospel makes us.

all the love in the world,

cectpa nevers: the one with a big heart full of love and sappy until the end of forever. the ctareishini love me. :) bahaah.